May 11, 2019

Though it is a Saturday night, I’m at home to rest and decompress (while using my latest obsession: under eye patches!!). I had my MRI this morning at 1am–such an ungodly hour! I forgot how dreadful an MRI experience is. Not only is it in the dungeon of a basement, it is cold as I waited for the technologist in a thin, itchy hospital gown. The gown hung dreadfully on my thin body, and was only held together by the two bows that I had tied (luckily, they held during the whole night).

When I lied down on the table of the MRI machine, I felt my body stiffen from the hard surface. I was transported into the tunnel quickly–back and forth–as the beeping and whirring noises loudly echoed through the small space. Each session took 15-20 minutes, according to the voice that rang through the speakers. The earplugs and earphones muffled her voice so that all my responses to her questions were delayed as I tried to decipher what she was asking at one in the morning. I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing as I tried to stay very still. The first session went by with very few movements, then during the second session I began to panic. My whole body felt restless and aching. My muscles tensed and relaxed. I tried to hold my breath and slowly breathe out; I near pushed the panic button every other minute. I balled up my hospital gown in my left fist as hard as I could, released and repeated the motion in hopes I could direct the sensation of restlessness outwards. But nothing worked. I opened my eyes only to see the same grey bar that ran vertically on the roof of the tunnel and the cage of the head brace that kept my head in place. Half way through (aka forever), my whole body began to ache from all the tension. Tears were in my eyes and again, I contemplated pushing the panic button. I wanted to stop the whole thing. In that hour, I felt weak. Three quarters through, the technologist came into the room to inject the Gadolinium contrast–signifying the remaining 15 minutes. I quickly took that moment to move my legs and re-adjust as much as I could but before I knew it, I was being pushed back into the tunnel. Finally, I heard her voice over the speakers informing me that the scan was complete (with some movements–oops). She walked into the room to take the head brace off and asked me the reasons for my movements. I provided no reasons. I slowly sat up, and shuffled out the door in a haze.

By the time I reached home, it was just after 2:30am. I was thankful for my dad’s support and his ability to be a trooper and stay up with me. If he wasn’t around, I don’t know how I would have made it home in my tired state. Now, I have to wait until the end of June to find out the results of the scan. I am nervous but excited to review the results. I want to know what my next steps involve. But until then, I have to keep living my best life, every single day. But tonight, I definitely will be heading to bed early. Good night world.

xo,
T

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