January 25, 2019

I’ve been struggling the past two weeks.

My left side of my body has been tingling much more than before. The tingling has traveled down to my left leg which is new; much stronger sensations in the left arm too. Like some sadistic Amazon package, the intense tingling was paired with fatigue and nausea–a neat little package tied up with a cute little bow. My concern is that I cannot differentiate whether it’s the MS or the side effects of Aubagio. The past little bit, I’ve experienced some tingling in the right leg too which is also new. All my symptoms before have always only affected my left side but not this time! I hope the sensations dissipate soon because it has been so uncomfortable to work. As scary as this is, I am trying to keep my head up and slow down. I want to remind myself that I am still able to do SO much still! I can’t let a small blip slow me down in loving life. I’ll admit, I still struggle to accept the bad days (like these past two weeks) but I’m slowly trying to learn that calling in sick for a day or two doesn’t mean I am a bad employee, or that I am irresponsible. I am simply choosing to put my health first and that is the most responsible thing I can do for everyone.

On a similar note, the past year or two have been about self struggles and internal conflicts needing to be resolved. With my return to my old job, I was scared that self-doubt and unworthiness would hit me hard. I had been so busy trying to prove to others that I am capable of holding some cool job, something that would be admirable and rewarding. In the thought process of reverting back to my other job, I realized I don’t need a job title to prove to others (or myself) that I am a worthy being. My passion for helping people may not have to be my job. I can always help others. My MS is forcing me to accept that I may not be able to hold a job that involves a lot of emotional strain, but it doesn’t mean I am weak. And so, I’ve been asking myself, “what do I want out of life?” more and more frequently. I want to be able to wake up every morning and have (at least) one reason to smile (and think of my list of reasons for smiling while sipping on a hot cup of coffee!).

Yes….that would be as simple as I would like life to be.


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