A sense of serenity, silence and warmth has made its way into my heart since last night. This is because I made the decision to renounce my new job and go back to my previous job. To be honest, I had been struggling with this decision a week into my job as Caseworker. I thought I could grow to like my role, that I simply needed time to understand the nature of the job and time to ease into a steady rhythm with my colleagues. However, no matter how much I stayed open to the job, I couldn’t feel that “right fit” feeling. I loved the “why” of the job but the “how” was not what is best for me. I began feeling symptoms again and it became a very difficult mental challenge. I had been on the verge of tears for a month and it has been exhausting to try to hold it all in.
There were many thoughts as I battled with staying or leaving. There was a sense of failure, shame and weakness when I was first struggling with the idea of leaving my new job. I did not want people to think I was weak or incapable. I did not want people to think I wasn’t committed or that I disrespected the job. But I have come to realize that I need to do what’s best for me: that meant that I had to make the difficult decisions to do make me happy and satisfied. It doesn’t matter what others think because I don’t owe an explanation for my actions to anyone. I am responsible for my own happiness and health. Especially after my diagnosis, I feel that I cannot sacrifice my own health for this job that isn’t what I enjoy. I am very grateful that I have the opportunity to go back to my own job without any penalty. My multiple sclerosis has become a blessing in disguise, as it has acted as a measurement for what is worth my time and energy, and what isn’t.
This morning, I sent the email to HR and spoke to my former manager. It is unbelievable how much weight has been lifted off my chest. In fact, I had no idea I was carrying around such a heavy weight. Sometimes, the best decision for one’s self is the hardest decision to make. I am holding my chin up high and marching forward onto the next chapter.