May 15, 2018

Part one of two is done.

The MRI took just shy of an hour–a very draining hour. Since last year, I have been waiting for these two appointments to become more of a reality. And now they are both here.  The MRI is to detect if there is active inflammation in my brain and/or spinal cord.

The appointments had seemed so far away that I wasn’t prepared to deal with the emotions that arose and have been arising these past couple days. Laying in the scanner, in such a cold room shocked me back to my reality. It made me remember the beast I was actually tackling. This beast had been living in my shadows for months now. Now, it is standing in the spotlight in its full form.

My second appointment will be even more critical. I’ll get to see the scans; I’ll have them explained to me by the specialist and I’ll sit calmly as I process every word he speaks. If all goes well, he’ll say the number of lesions are still the same and there is no inflammation visible. And worst case scenario? Well, it would mean my immune system is attacking itself. It’s actively trying to protect my body from itself. It’ll mean an introduction to new drugs to help prevent the frequency of relapses. It’ll mean re-evaluating the rest of my life, re-shifting my priorities. Essentially, I’ll be building a new life at the age of 27.

I’m understanding that my fear isn’t stemming from the actual diagnosis. It’s the fear of the unknown; this waiting period between the MRI and the specialist appointment is incredibly difficult. It’s me trying to stay realistic (mentally preparing myself for the worst) and being optimistic (knowing that science has advanced exponentially).  But none of it matters because I am simply scared. I am anxious. I am ridden with nervousness that plays out through my hyperness and inability to stay focused.  I understand that I have no facts to support my fear. But it is not having any facts that is causing so much of these emotions. As I sit here to calmly think about everything, I’m understanding that I really don’t know what I’ll do. But I’m in no rush to figure it out. I can barely work at the office these days. Distractions only work when they keep coming.

But eventually, I’ll need to rest.


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