June 6, 2017

The facial numbness remains, and with each day that passes, I feel a little more nervous about the permanency of it. Through this mysterious illness, a lot of inner demons have been creeping up.  This past weekend was extremely difficult: my anger resulted in a violent rage as I inflicted pain on myself by punching a truck repeatedly. I threw punches at the man I love and I can’t recall most of my rage. I am scared of my own explosive behaviour and I am aim to understand the root of it.

It’s been a few days since the episode.

Tonight I dwell in silence as I allow my thoughts to pass by; like fallen leaves drifting along the surface of a stream, I watch for these thoughts to help guide me to the answers. I’m doing some guesswork here as I think about how this mysterious illness is a physiological break, the same reason why I may be experiencing such extreme emotional breaks–from sadness to anger to nostalgia. All these various forms of “breaks” are clear signs that I have completely worn out my soul.

My heart is heavy from the suffering and my heart is asking for forgiveness from the soul tonight. In attempts to satisfy my passion, I carried it too far and ignored the soul of its love and care it needed. Almost a year of workaholism and I’m finally learning a very deep lesson in self-care. So, while tonight is a little heavier than others, I am thankful for this forced sign from the Universe to bring me back to my roots. I have fallen hard on my knees, upon the soft ground of the Earth.

May I stay here on my knees to help gain a new perspective before I learn how to stand back up on my own two feet. If I am on my knees long enough that when I stand, I will be grateful for the softness of the Earth’s warm embrace. 

xo,
Trish

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